Where's my Green?

I had this dream about two weeks ago, and it’s been hanging around since then. Well, that’s not really true; it was more of an idea that I woke up to than a dream, but it was planted in my brain for a reason, and somehow it’s stuck there, not wanting to go away. 


Before I explain about it, I need to give some background as to why this idea has been stuck. When I was a freshman in high school, I was just coming out of what I call my Dark Days, or the depression that plagued me for most of my middle school career. My parents and I had just transferred from one parish to another, and some of the adults from my previous parish came to the same one I was at. These adults, God bless them, took on the task of starting a youth group. 


Before I was old enough, there had been this awesome youth group at the parish I had attended before. It always looked so much fun, and I waited for the day I could join in. So when we moved and this new youth group started up, I was apprehensive, but I had an idea of what we might do. I met a bunch of new people, and we weren’t instant friends, but it was pretty quick. 


We had so much fun those years; fundraising for a workcamp we never went to, going to Youthfest and Steubenville East conferences, and just plain volunteering around the parish. We even acted out skits during the homily in Mass. It was such a blur, but I still remember the feeling I would get every time I would walk into the church. 


Then, all of a sudden, things just . . . stopped. I remember there was something that happened; I think the funds for Youth Ministry were pulled from the Diocese or something. I just remember there was a solid reason why we didn’t get together anymore. Then, it’s like the community just forgot that there were a bunch of teens in church. Our lives went on, we grew up, and now the youngest member from the group is now a senior in college. I can’t help thinking that I’m not the only one who wants kids to be involved in the Church. Youth Group made being Catholic fun. 


This brings me back to my dream: I want to bring Youth Ministry back to St. Joe’s. Now, I realize this would mean a lot of work and I’d probably have to get paid for it and I can’t create a full functioning Youth Group on the side which means I’d have to quit my job and get hired by the diocese. Still, there’s a big enough hole in my church community that could be filled by at least some programs in the summer (Vacation Bible School, trips to Jordan’s for the older kids).  Plus it would take some time to get a whole program running. 

My ideal program would be as follows, and I know that this would be way too much to handle myself. The whole goal is to help kids to learn about service and show them it’s not a bad thing. I’d start off with a high school-aged group, and we’d come together once a week to eat and talk; maybe get a movie to watch some weeks. Together we’d plan to do things for the community. Then I’d start a younger group, and they would do things like make decorations for bulletin boards and help serve coffee and donuts (I'd do the coffee, I'm not that stupid). I’d want to create a younger group that would feel like family for them when they do get older, it's an easy transition.

I know that I gained so much from hanging out with young Catholics like me. Even if it was just for an hour or two each week, it was an hour or two with people who have the same beliefs as me. It rooted me in my faith; showed me that I wasn’t the only one my age who believed like I believed. 

I have so many different ideas and thoughts that I can’t help but get super excited when someone brings it up in conversation. Working in Cornish is fun and I’m getting a lot out of it, but I just can’t afford the gas and it’s kind of lonely riding up by myself. Youth ministry would be my dream job, and I find myself really wishing my priest or the DRE would pull me aside, offer me  $20,000 a year (which is more than I’m getting now, but less than a teacher gets), and ask me to start Youth Ministry again. *Sighs* That would be so awesome. Not awesome as in surfer awesome, but full of awe, awesome. 

There’s a passion inside of me, and there’s a need for it. I’m pretty sure that I have the talent for teaching kids about God. Plus, I’d be around my parish family. It’s the perfect job for me, and I really hope and pray that something like this comes along.

And they all lived...sad and depressed for all eternity?

Every girl has their favorite fairy tale, whether they believe in fairy tales or not. We all grew up listening to Disney versions of magical lands and happily ever afters. Soon we all grow up and we have one of two opinions about them. I would like to  call the first group the Gloomy Ones, and the second group the Hopeful Ones (can you guess which group I’m in?) The Gloomy Ones believe that fairy tales are stupid and idiotic and none of it comes true, so why should we believe it? The Hopeful Ones believe we develop this hope that Prince Charming still exists (even though he may be a janitor), magic is still in the world, and there are such things as happily ever afters.

The reason why I bring this up is that there’s a lot of talk about fairy tales these days; “Once Upon a Time” on ABC, two different movies coming out JUST about Snow White (lucky...), and have you counted all of the versions of Cinderella Disney has released with teen heartthrobs and pretty girls? Yeah. That’s because all of us ‘Hopefuls’ are taking over. Watch out you ‘Gloomys!’

Personally, I view fairy tales as stories that can happen in reality, but they’re fluffed up and less scary...or whatever. The coffee shop clerk falls  in love with the lawyer that gets coffee every morning? Cinderella. A girl who still has hope in humanity and becomes a teacher only to eat an apple and get sick and falls in love with a doctor? Snow White (admit it, it could happen...). The girl who tricks her boyfriend into thinking she can do the impossible? Rumpelstilskin.

Fairy tales are apart of our lives whether we want them to be or not. Eventually, when we have our own children, they creep up into our lives and make themselves known. So why not embrace that? Why not keep that spirit and hope alive? Stories have a lot of power. They help us look at something differently, or they help explain a situation with a simple phrase. Ask any Catholic about the DaVinci Code(remember how up in arms people were?), or how EVERYONE knows that there’s no place like home. They’re not just stories.

There’s always that one fairy tale that sticks with us, too. I remember in college, a bunch of the girls in Feeney Players (of whom I hung out with only two) decided they would decorate their dorms with the Disney princess they emulated or had the closest personality to. Those tales stick with us for the rest of our lives.

Beauty and the Beast has always been my favorite fairy tale. Yes, yes, the Disney version was my first exposure to the story, but it went deeper than that, and when I was old enough to read more about the story, B&B really DID become my favorite fairy tale. There are a lot of versions of the tale, and honestly, pretty much all of them have the same storyline.

I related to Belle (and yes, that it what I’m going to call her, not Beauty) the most because she read books like I did when I was growing up, and she loved her father so much, she was willing to let him and her whole family go to make sure they were safe and sound. That kind of love isn’t found in a lot of fairy tales.

My favorite version of B&B is Beauty by Robin McKinley. I actually have to find it so I can read it again because like an idiot, I lost it when I moved to Maine. I like it because it’s the story that makes the most sense, and it’s the most believeable too. In it, Belle isn’t beautiful (she nicknames herself Beauty as a joke); she’s tall with mousy brown hair and big hands and feet. The Beast isn’t mean at all; he’s actually quite sweet and kind right from the get-go, just a little too overprotective of his roses (which happens to be in every single rendition I’ve read interestingly enough).

The lesson we all are supposed to learn (as there is a lesson with all fairy tales) is that people shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. That’s where the idea of Belle being a bookworm came about. Now, the lesson is the same in every version, but Disney did it somewhat backwards. Belle already can see beyond what she sees and accepts everyone by their character. Everyone in her town is kind of summed up by Gaston’s comment about Belle’s choice of leisure, “How can you read this? There’s no pictures!” By the way, when I knew enough about the subject, my first comment about Gaston was that he should go back to school and learn some grammar--I realize he’s French, but come on Disney.

The other versions of B&B, Belle is still a reader, but she doesn’t realize the lesson until she tells the Beast she’ll marry him. When she leaves the Beast and comes back late and can’t find her way back, she realizes that she loves him and it doesn’t matter what he looks like.

Isn’t that why we hear stories in the first place; to know that those characters got it right in the end and we can too? The basis of fairy tales is to give us hope of a happy life; to plant it into our hearts and let it sit, waiting to be used as a reminder when we need one. Because whether we’re a ‘Hopeful’ or a ‘Gloomy,’ it’s still there. The question is if we use it or not.

There’s always that part in the story that things are not good at all. It seems impossible that there would be a happy ever after. That’s where people get stuck and they stop believing. In the end, though, everything turns out wonderfully.

I take comfort in that even though life is wicked hard right now, there IS a point where things will be better and there’ll be a happily ever after. There’s one problem I’m having though: I can’t really see it right now. I know it’ll happen, I have faith in God that it’ll happen, and I trust Him. I just cannot for the life of me find a stopping point of all this challenge in my life. I feel like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof when he asks God if He can choose someone else once in a while. Even a poor teacher is entitled to some happiness, right?


...There must be more to this provincial life.

Love.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, and needless to say not a lot has been too exciting to report. Life is pretty much going along for me.

I did just get back from seeing Jake, and let me tell you…he introduced me to a new artist….well, mash-up artist anyway. Titus Jones. Look him up. His stuff is awesome.

Like right now, I’m listening to Pokéstar. Well, that’s a lie. I was just listening to that; I switched to Slacker because I needed chill music for this blog. Listening to some good Billy Joel, “Just the Way You Are” and picturing a nice drive down Loudon Rd. in Concord. No explanation as to why that particular image, but oh well.

SO onto the real thing: While I was visiting Jake and his family, I had a book that I was reading called The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. The book is based on the movie “Fireproof” and has the actual dares that the main character does in the movie. Kirk Cameron is in it if you can’t place it.

I can hear some of you going, “Hey wait a second: You aren’t married…what’s the deal?” The truth is that I didn’t read it as something to try right away; I wanted to learn how to love others more than I have been. Lately I’ve been kind of complaining about almost everything, and I haven’t been the best Aimée I can be in a long time. The purpose of reading and doing the dares is to try and improve my outlook and to try and love everyone as I know how.

This leads me to the back of the book. Yes, most of the book is about marriage and including God into your relationship. But at the back of the book, there are some good references and exercises to do. One of them is to ask your spouse a bunch of questions. When I looked through the questions, I thought about my own answers and decided to blog them. Yes, folks. I decided to do one of those silly surveys you used to see on MySpace and that sometimes pop up on Facebook. But I honestly think that these questions are more important, and I am encouraging everyone to try and at least think about your own answers. 

1.  What is your greatest hope or dream?

The first thing I think of when I think of my greatest hope or dream would be to be happy in my life; to have a wonderful husband who’ll love me forever. But then, when I REALLY think about it, my greatest hope is that I am a mother. I want to feel that love that only a mother has for her son or daughter; that pride and joy that I see in my mother’s eyes every time I get up and sing or she sees me teaching. Maybe I’m jumping the gun a little bit, I know. I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, but that’s always been my hope in my heart. Being a mother would bring the greatest happiness in my life. I know, cliché, isn’t it? But it’s all true.

2.  What do you enjoy the most about your life right now?

This is a hard question for me to answer because I just left Jake’s YESTERDAY and I’m feeling all emo and crappy. Things can be wicked worse; I realized that once I gave up being a huge drama mama. I honestly think that it’s okay that I’m not enjoying much in my life though because then there wouldn’t be times when I can truly appreciate and enjoy life the way it should be. With that said, there are some things I’m loving about my life: my best friend is getting married soon, and I love the fact that I am her maid of honor. I really wish I could be a part of more weddings to tell you the truth. And the fact that I have air conditioning now. I’m really loving that.

3.  What do you enjoy the least about your life right now?

As I stated before, I’m feeling really emo and crappy so I need to be careful as to not start complaining all night.  It all breaks down to one thing, I think: I’m not enjoying not knowing what’s ahead, and I’m not enjoying where I am career-wise. I don’t make enough to pay bills right now, so that’s scaring me a lot. I don’t have a lot of patience, and yes, I am working on that, but it’s hard not to break down and cry and stomp around and throw a tantrum. It’s not going to help in the long run, but my inner child is screaming because everything is unsure.  

4.  What would your dream job be if you could do anything and get paid for it?

I love little kids, and I love teens too. I love to sing, and I love to witness my faith. So if I could fly around the country singing and witnessing my faith to children of all ages, and get paid for it…that would be what I would want to do. OH or sing at wedding ceremonies. That would be awesome.

5.  What are some things that you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the opportunity to do yet?

6.  What are three things you would like to do before the next year passes?

One: Lose more weight
Two: Get my own classroom
Three: Make enough money to get my own apartment and pay my own bills.

7.  Who do you feel the most “safe” with? Why?

Jake. Anything can happen to me, but as long as I’m with Jake I can get through anything.

8.  If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be? Why?

Oh man, I would have lunch with Dr. Kassy Clements, head of the Department of Education at St. Joseph’s College. She was such an awesome professor and great advice-giver to all of us.

9.  When was the last time you felt filled with joy?

Jake and I had the house to ourselves for a while and I made him Hamburger Helper.

10. If you had to give away a million dollars, who would you give it to?

I am going to revise this a bit: If I had one million dollars to give away, I would split it up a bit. Half would go to my parents; $500,000 to do whatever they wanted. I think the rest would go to Jake’s family, because, they truly are my family as well.

So there you have it. I hope the questions linger in your mind as they did mine.

Conservatism Comeback? (Non-political, promise)

There has been a wave of TV networks that have taken a step back and tried a more conservative aproach to what they air. TLC is an example. A lot of their programming they offer is kid-friendly, and kind of wholesome. For instance, 19 Kids and Counting is a show about a family who is EXTREMELY Christian. The Duggar fam are very much into Christian values and explain their beliefs so others can understand. The same thing applies to another show TLC has called Sister Wives. They explain their lives for us to view and discuss (I feel like Mike Meyers in Coffee Talk). With that being said, I need to be perfectly clear that those families are the extreme end of what I personally stand for, and they're a little bit nuts. Really nuts. Okay, WICKED nuts. Plus I think TLC plays that up a bit, and exploits the families to get an interesting show.

But TLC isn't the only network out there going back to a more conservative, value-centered outlook on TV. It seems like the big networks are doing the same; adding family-oriented shows to their Fall lineups or toning down some content on their returning shows. Yes, some shows and networks push in an opposite direction as well, but for the most part, there's a choice on TV; you don't have to settle with something that you don't agree with.
With this wave comes an issue of what's socially acceptable nowadays and what parents are allowing. I was talking to the woman I team teach with, and she and I were commenting on how we need to teach about what's socially acceptable. It seems like there isn't a limit as to what you see on TV, and students seem to not pick up on how to act in a public setting. Part of that reason is what they see at home and on TV.

It's the parents' prerogative (I had to google that, and it still looks completely wrong) to monitor what their children do online and what they watch; I can't control their home lives, I know that. But when these kids come to school and think it's okay to be punching because they saw it on Alias (okay, I get that it's a semi-old show, but I loved it when I was in high school), there's a problem.

My point is that it's nice to see these conservative shows are becoming popular; it makes me kind of hopeful that I wont be teaching all delinquents for the rest of my life.

I think I've gone past the deep end...............

What's considered private these days? Good question. I've noticed with my students that their definition of private is completely different from my generation's definition; I'm also noticing that it deals with their definition of respect too. For those you know me, that's all I talk about when you ask me about my students, the lack of respect that they show (honestly, it's the age, I know).

But all complaining aside, I honestly think privacy is a serious issue that needs to be taught these days. Sure, the argument used to be it's the parents' responsibility, and I believe that it still should be. However, the technology jumping leaps and bounds these days makes it hard for parents to keep up with their kids. No offense to my mother but I still need to show her how to work her digital camera some days, let alone Twitter or Facebook, or using both. Granted, the parents of my students are in fact younger than my mother, but still; what's next?

With that said, these kids are going onto the Internet and taking EVERYTHING they see at face value. They're going to be faced with making new friends in high school, and "friending" (in quotes for the computer-illiterate) kids they see once a day in their biology class, or friending kids who are in the same school as they, or friends of friends, friending for the sake of getting the most friends on Facebook---see where I'm going with this? I've done it myself (friending people from SJC just for the sheer fact of we both went to the same school); what stops them from doing the same?

The next thing you'll say is that Facebook and Twitter have privacy settings and it's easy to monitor who is looking at your profile. News flash: You need to be introduced to those privacy settings to enact them, and a Facebook stalker has ways around the settings.  Plus, if you want everyone to see your pictures or see your info and you trust that no one's going to use it to their advantage, that choice is available to you.

I'm not even going into identity theft. 

What should be private then? What should someone reveal on their Twitter? How do you know where to draw the line?

That's where my project idea comes in: I am teaching a lesson to seventh and eighth graders on social network privacy, and I need some help with that. I've decided that in order to really show how to protect themselves, that I needed to actually use Facebook. I'm not using my profile just as a heads up, I'm using hers. She's fake. It's really me, but I wanted to make up something ligit. I need for her to actually look like she's alive, and in order to do that, I need for her to have friends. Use the page to "invite" her to Mafia Wars or something...(Mafia Wars? Did I really just say that? Who plays that anymore?). I just need her to have friends who post something on her wall; preferrably a bit sketchy things too, but nothing completely red flag.

I'll be doing the lesson on June 20th, and I am going to be deleting the page after that, so don't worry about little eighth graders trying to stalk you or pester you. And I understand if you don't want to at all, and don't agree with what I'm doing. I'll make it work...trust me.

All I want to do is really teach these kids to protect themselves online. Some things yes, parents should teach, but some of these kids don't have that, and I don't want to let them go to high school without someone stepping up to show them how to stay safe.

I'm crazy....I know...totally nuts for doing this.

What I've Been Doing:

Ugh, migraines completely suck. Literally. They suck the life out of you. That's what happened yesterday, and I'm actually thinking seriously about just going home and sleeping because the screen in front of me is kind of blurry and pulsating a glow of ickyness. It's that bad. Blech.

These past few weeks when I've had a blogging break, I haven't blogged because I'm kind of branching out on this story that I started last year at school. I don't want to jinx it, but honestly, it's not a very good one. The story is pretty predictable, but there's no huge conflict, either. I love writing the story, and I have shown it to a few people, but it's not a big huge thing that a publisher would want. But see that's the thing: I know I am writing it for myself, but something deep inside of me wants this to become a novel that people would actually read.

The story revolves around these two characters: Emily and Matthew. Emily is literally a princess (I tried really hard not to base her on Mia from Meg Cabot's stories, but it kind of ended up that way) of a small nation that borders Matthew's country. Matthew is the son of one of the leaders of the country and is kind of in line for his father's seat. The idea of the story is that they meet and fall in love, happy ending and everything.

I guess my point is that I wanted to write a story not of 'star cross'd lovers' but of a situation where it's kind of expected that they fall in love. I think that's the conflict that Emily and Matthew face; they do fall in love, but not because they're supposed to. To the world around them it's a no-brainer.

That's where my problem comes in; it's not exciting to read/watch two people who are from similar backgrounds, have personalities that compliment each other, and are SUPPOSED to fall in love. That's too much like ordinary life to most people.

So in short, that's one of two reasons why I haven't been blogging much. The other reason is based on the fact that a lot has been going on and a lot of it is stuff that I shouldn't talk about (mainly, what's going on at work), and things that I'm unsure of. My life is kind of a mess at the moment, so blogging about it seems like I would be misrepresenting some things. The people around me know what's going on, and that's enough for now. Although I probably will be saying my side of the story some time soon.

Drinking on cheap bottles o' wine...

Hello, hello. I know it's been a while since we've last spoken, but I've been pretty busy with a lot of things. New Music, shall we?

Dance Tonight--Paul McCartney

Such a fun song. I remember when I first heard it and I actually felt like it was kind of annoying. Then, my mother downloaded it onto her own iPod...and I immediately requested that song be played constantly in my presence. I am the Princess you know...

Anyway, now that I've played it unceasingly except for The Script for the past three days, I've had the opportunity to really listen to the music of the song. It's a simplistic melody, but the message and lyrics are straightforward: everybody will throw their boots in the air and get drunk.



Just kidding. Just listen to the song here.



For The First Time--The Script

...Now that I write that, it must look like the subject of the song is to...lose something personal. Hmmm. Was that intended? I hope not.

It's definitely a beautiful song that pertains to how we start out with another person and try to make it work in this economy. Plus, it's Bono's daughter in the video....when did THAT happen?

The song's catchy too, and honestly, I kind of thought the oo's were a little annoying; actually, they're still annoying.

I Feel Pretty/Unpretty--Glee Cast

LOVE LOVE LOVE this song. Just got it today, actually.No offense to TLC, but I can actually understand the lyrics. Plus a mash-up with a a known Broadway hit? I'll take it.

Two Subject Wednesday: Manners and New Music

FYI, this probably wont be a weekly thing (the two subjects that is), but it sounded like a great title, so there.

I have a friend. She is awesome I'll have you know, and she posted something about manners on Facebook. You can read what she wrote here (seriously, it's almost as awesome as she is).  At the end she asked what other people thought about what she wrote, and I think that it makes a lot of sense. I've done some of the things she's posted though. I cannot lie. Just the culture I guess. It's second nature at this point; we've all done it. But seriously, read it. Good stuff.

I asked her permission to borrow her idea. Therefore, since she did Facebook, I thought that I would do just the plain old Internet--condensed though; I can't do everything, you see. I'm only human.There are some things that Poops mentions that I've elaborated on, such as the second bullet, and I'd like to say that they were hers first. I am just agreeing.  Before I get going, I would like to say that these things are probably not for anyone who is not in my generation or younger. I'm not going to call you old, but you're a lot wiser and didn't have computers like I did, therefore needed to know how to spell, capitalize, cite, and proofread better than any of my fellow Generation-X and -Yers (hehe, wires). You were taught well.

• For the love of all things that are holy, please do not capitalize whole words unless you want to emphasize them. When I see capital letters, I imagine the person who is talking TO BE SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THINGS IN THIS WORLD DO NOT ADD UP! EXPECT 2012 TO BE YOUR LAST YEAR ON EARTH! Annoying, isn't it? If you have access to making letters bold or italicized, use that. You don't want to sound angry and bitter.

• If YoU tHiNk YoU'rE cOoL dOiNg ThIs.....You're not. I can't even read that and I was the one who wrote it.

• Learn some grammar. Seriously. I understand that when you're in school, and you are learning grammar in language arts class; it's wicked boring, I get it. But getting absolutely no respect from your peers because you can't spell or use the right tenses is kind of a let down as you get older.  This brings me to this next one:
• Proofread and spell correctly, please. Spell checker cannot catch everything. If you don't agree, watch this. Heck, if you do agree watch it and pass it on.  Learn to spell correctly. It's important. If you don't, you look like someone who needs to go back to the fourth grade.

• Think about your audience. Your grandmother is on Facebook. I understand she posts that she's now going to brush the cat, but what would she say if you were swearing left and right in a status that you post. She has the ability to comment saying how disappointed she is in you and even though you may delete her comment, people know that you've been chewed out by your grandmother; on Facebook. And no, I don't want to know that you've just had sex; neither does your mother. Do you really want to go down that road?

• Not all people know what ttfn means (unless you're a Tigger fan like I am), or wytbw...what ARE you talking about Willis? Other than "lol," "btw" or "omg" on your status update, I don't want to see it. Neither does anyone else.  Texting language is for texting and instant messaging only; not emails, status updates, or comments. Teens and tweens used to use that to make sure their parents didn't understand what they were talking about. News Flash: Parents now know what their teens are talking about. Get over it.
   
• Tweets are different, in my opinion. I think that minor texting language is okay, your tweet shouldn't be filled with it though. After all, you only have 140 characters. Just make sure that the texting language you use is universal.

• Emails are more formal than a comment or post. No, if you're emailing any of your immediate family or friends, you don't need to have an actual format for your email, but anyone else, you do. Again, think of your audience here: employers, co-workers, professors, etc.

• Big announcements online need to be told to your family before you tell the whole world; a phone call or a private email--not a message on your preferred social network. The fam needs to know before you post that you're pregnant or engaged or if you've got Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (wiki that...). The rest of your friends can comment on Facebook about your recent big announcement after that. Don't be cheesy and have Aunt Frankie ask why she wasn't one of the first to know.

 Okay, now that I have said my peace, I would like to talk about the new song I just downloaded. Besides my obsession with all things Twilight or Glee related, I am also semi-obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. They just had their "Music Event."  

Just to bring you up to speed, there are these two docs named Arizona and Callie, both are lesbians. They were in a relationship but then broke up, where Callie slept with her best friend, Mark. She got pregnant. Arizona comes back, and all three are in this baby triangle. Then Arizona wants more commitment and asks Callie to marry her. Then they hit a truck. 

As a Grey's fan, I actually felt it was kind of a slap in the face to all the actors on that show. "Oh yeah, just one thing about this next episode, you'll be singing to get the ratings back up. And by the way, there's going to be a scene where everyone is going to have sex and sing about sunshine while pregnant Callie (and baby of course) is fighting to survive after going through a car windshield.  kthnx! See you at the office party!" Honestly, if it was just Callie singing in the episode, it would've been perfect. But it royally sucked.

What's this have to do with a song? Well, as Callie is waking up at the end (duh...that's a given), her ghost or something is singing "The Story" by Brandi Carlile trying to wake herself up so she can say yes to a crying Arizona. I had never paid attention to the song before; mainly because I don't like Brandi Carlile's voice. There was a line that I really paid attention to, and if you pay attention to my updates on Facebook, you've probably seen it: 

And all the friends who think I'm blessed, they don't know I'm in this mess. No they don't know who I really am, and they don't know what I've been through, like you do

Yeah, I know, I'm over dramatic. I get it. But that is Jake for me; he gets me like no one else can. He knows me better than I know myself. He's patient and understanding, and he doesn't care if I have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis or not. He knows what I've been through more than anyone, even the parents. He's the one I want to tell my stories to for the rest of my life. 

Plus Sara Ramirez completely rocked the song. Epically. She was the original Lady of the Lake in Spamalot. She won a Tony. She is awesome. 

Thoughts? Additions to the list?

This took me three days to write. Literally.

I really feel the need to blog, and I came up with doing a Top Ten list, but I don't want it to feel like a facebook status, so I'm going to elaborate the list a bit.

Oh, and by the way, I'm listening to my "Sleep" playlist, and at the moment the song is "All At Sea" by Jamie Cullum. Can I just say that this song is really one of the theme songs of my life. No, I take that back; it's not really a theme song to my life. It's more of what I want to be a theme song to my life. The song is about just leaving the world behind and just sitting by the sea, and needing to "disappear within your mind" as the song says. OOH it changed to "Home to Me" by Josh Kelley. Sorry Jamie, Josh kind of takes precedent over you.

You are probably wondering what my Top Ten list will be about, and to be honest, it will probably be the first ten different things that come to my brain. Also, I think it'll turn out to be more of who I think I am at this point in my life. HO-KAY, so ve go....




1. My favorite musical is Wicked. No. It's not because I live in New England; it's not because Idina Menzel  won a Tony for her role (just in case you were wondering, I would do something crazy like spend $3,000 for just a chance to meet her). The story is really well done, the music is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, and the ending is definitely not a 'happily ever after' however it is fantastically done. There was an interview that Idina gave where she said that she felt a lot of what Elphaba felt, and she played her the way Elphie felt that day; whether she felt beautiful or if she felt like the ugliest "terror." Maybe that doesn't make sense; she said it more eloquently than I did. Anyway, I love the character of Elphie, and my heart tugs whenever life pulls her down.


2.  I am extremely lucky to have two wonderful parents who love me unconditionally. They have supported me through my over dramatic outbursts, and I am 378% grateful for them. I think subconsciously I've known this all my life, and I never really went through a huge rebellious stage in my life. Hell, I balled my eyes out when they left me at college (and even now there's a ball in my throat thinking about it). We have a very deep connection to each other, and I think that's why I'm so afraid of the day I will lose them. No offense to anyone out there, but I haven't seen a connection like ours anywhere else. I love them so much.

3.  My favorite song, according to iTunes, is Never Think by Robert Pattinson. Yes. I'm that girl.

(Song changed to "I Saw You" by Josh Kelley)

4.  I miss driving to Raymond from St. Joe's. Those mornings were pure awesomeness in a normal day-to-day routine. If I couldn't find a good song on Q97.9, or Coast 93.1...there was an amazing Christian radio station that would play (get ready for this) two commercials an hour. Taking the shortcut (because the bridge was out) behind Wal-Mart and by Timmy Ho's (WHY IS IT GONE!?)....pure happiness. OH and Glee nights/movie nights; nights when I didn't have to worry about evil things like bills and the real world (MTV is SO off, I hate them.). I miss Maine.

5. One of my many dreams is to go see Vatican City. Maybe meet the Pope. Have him hear my confession (not even a long shot I know, but still wouldn't that be FANTASTIC!?). Ya know. But seriously, just to see St. Peter's would be amazing; it really would.

(Song changed to "Landing in London" by 3 Doors Down)

6.  Going with the dream theme (hehe), I wanna be a billionaire so friggin' bad: give some money to the Church, give money to the people who need it, buy a better house for my parents, pay off my student loans, see a bit of the world, buy a good house for a family and live happily ever after. I honestly wouldn't be spending it left and right for myself; I'd give it all away...well...at least it wouldn't go to waste. Every cent would go to something that was worthy.

**A little side note about #7...I have two kinds of angry: the angry that I have when I can deal with the anger just by talking about it, and the angry that I don't know is anger until I've been crying for three weeks and thinking it's just PMS. Here's an example of each**

(Song changed to "Fields of Gold" by Eva Cassidy)


7. I'm realizing more and more these days that I'm a lot angrier than I used to be. It's like I'm a little kid again; like I'm not getting my way. My job isn't perfect by any means; it's actually pretty sucky, but I'm not going to get into why for the sheer fact that it pisses me off SO much that I can't talk about it without yelling and/or crying. I'm also angry about the fact that I would like to see my boyfriend more than twice a year. It's not his fault, and he knows that (I would hope he does). I am mad at the situation. It's no secret that he and I are practically married already, and I understand that neither of us are financially ready to settle down. But seriously? It really sucks that we can't be together. No....doesn't really suck...it totally blows. And I'm angry about it. Totally and completely irate, livid and every other synonym that means angry.

("Walk Right In" by Josh Kelley)

8. Forgiveness will set you free. To me, forgiveness is not only just "getting over" something that was done wrongly, but also starting over with that person; beginning a new chapter in your friendship or any other type of relationship. It really helps my students if they hear me say "I forgive you" after they apologize. I think it's important for kids to hear that. My mom said it to me whenever I said I was sorry for something, and it made me feel better, and I knew that she still loved me. There are, however, times when forgiveness doesn't fix the problem, and there are consequences to bring things back to normal. An example would be: Sam, one of my students, refuses to do any more work on his project and as I explain that he agreed ten minutes ago (when he started) that he would do the work, then throws a ball at my face, the consequence is getting sent to the office and getting suspended for the next day because he hurt a teacher. He apologizes to me and I forgive him. Does that take the consequence away? No.  **The events are true. Names are fictional.

9. I miss Feeney Players. I want to sing and act on stage again. If I wasn't so busy with work and I actually HAD time to audition for the Community Players, I would sooooooo do it in a New York minute.

("Iko Iko" by Dixie Cups...makes me want to dance...okay, that lasted as long as I wrote the number 10, so it's not "Close Your Eyes" by Westlife...gosh this song is making me teary right now.)

10. The last thing I would like to say is that even though this time in my life may feel so long, I know that my life will change for the better soon. I have to know that; I don't think I could go through life thinking that it's bad forever. One of the things I took from my classroom management class is "positive and high expectations" for students, and for yourself. That's what I need to focus on; doing that may be a little trickier.

Glee-tastic

SO, as the title entails, I watched I watched the latest episode of Glee. My favorite part was Quinn telling Rachel "how the story ends" because from the previews, it sounded like she was going to be a complete not-nice person about it. In reality though, Quinn was saying that Rachel was too talented to be stuck in Ohio for the rest of her life. Was she trying to be honest and caring, or was she just trying to be blunt and rude? Guess we'll have to find out.


Since I'm in school right now (on a break, mind you) I'm not listening to any music, although I do have a Josh Groban song in my head, "Voce Existe Em Mim", which I've blogged about before. All I knew was the song made me want to move. Now, I'm more appreciative of the Carnival theme that Josh and his other collaborators came up with. The drums in the song are AMAAAZING, and I definitely recommend listening to it on YouTube with the lyrics for you (it's in Portuguese so having them there as he sings them is really helpful, plus one of the comments has the translation).

So Glee last night, as I said was pretty awesome, and out of the show came some pretty awesome songs (can you tell it was pretty awesome yet??) My favorite song though, wasn't on iTunes: Trouty Mouth. Santana's jazzy ballad to her boyfriend Sam, was utterly high-sterical.  Cue lyrics, please:

Guppy Face, Trouty Mouth
Is that how people's lips look where you come from in the South
Grouper Mouth, Froggy Lips
I love suckin' on those salamander lips
Wanna put a fish hook in those lips so cherry red
If you tried hard enough you could suck a baby's head
Wooh!

Well written, is it not?

Okay, so on to the actual stuff I downloaded (All from Glee). The first, "When I Get You Alone", originally done by Robin Thicke (which REALLY surprised me when I found out because all I've heard of his stuff is slow, sex, "I'm about to get some" songs) was actually done a while ago, but I've just been dragging my heels to download it. When the actual song came out, Jake actually made me listen to it cause he loved it; I liked it, but I forgot about it and when Glee did the cover, I found that the a capella performance of the song changed the way I looked at the harmonies that I couldn't hear before it came out.


The next two are just cause they were really well written for the show: "Loser Like Me" and "Get It Right." Loser was a good explanation of the attitudes that the characters as a whole found in themselves over the show's run. Get It Right explained Rachel's situation completely and totally. I'm really hoping that each of the characters gets a song like that; explaining who they are and what they care about. It would be really cool to see that happen.


"Sing", originally done by My Chemical Romance was on the anthem-themed show a few weeks ago, and it rocked. I hadn't heard the song before, but it didn't surprise me because I'm not really into My Chemical Romance that much. I do have "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" on my iPod, but other than that, they kind of blipped off the radar for me. Since it's been on the show, I've caught it on the radio a few times, so I'm thinking that it either became a single before the show and the show hyped it up, or it wasn't released until after the show was aired. Glee vs. My Chemical Romance? I think that the song definitely needed vocal harmonies to fill it out more, but the supports of guitars/drums/bass kind of lacks in the Glee version, so I think it's all about what you're in the mood for.

And finally, "Raise Your Glass" originally by Pink, became an a capella song. I mainly bought the song for the background vocals saying one of my favorite games "jenga jenga jenga, jeng, je, je jeng, je je je jenga...." I have the original on my iPod so I know the song, but the energy the Warblers brought to the song is a different vibe.

A little note about a capella music: I believe that it either hurts or helps a song. Seriously, I've heard some songs that are great with music that absolutely inhale vigorously as an a capella song. An example would be "When I Fall in Love" By Celene Dion and [insert name that I have totally blanked on and can't google right now]. But then, Katy Perry's Teenage Dream gets covered by Glee and it's changed into a better song for it (plus Katy Perry gets not only royalties from iTunes for her version, but from the Glee version as well, plus she said that she loved the song even more when Glee had done it). 

Besides, anyone who can sing on pitch without any help from the backup band is awesome in my book. It's one of the hardest things to do. Think about this: when singers audition, most of the time it's without any music (think American Idol or any other singing competition). People who sing a capella sing without any music ALL THE TIME. Plus, because the human voice is most of the time more recognizable then say, a full band behind you, it's easier to hear the harmonies to different songs.


Okay, so any suggestions of what songs I should download/listen to?

Hmmmmmm....

So I'm thinking that I need to really have a purpose to blog, and I need to come up with not only things to talk about (let's be safe and say that my life is pretty bland at the moment), but things that interest other people. OH AND BTW: You can comment now even if you don't have a blog on blogger....I didn't know that was a setting, so GO AHEAD AND COMMENT PLEASE! <3 Thank you.

In this instance, I am thinking of changing things around the blog a bit, and making my posts be about not only what's going on in my life, but posting on some interests of mine. The first change? Posting about the music I'm buying/listening to/being exposed to/liking (lot of slashes there, huh?). I feel like the music I listen to tells stories about my life and maybe I can explain why I listen to what I do.

The whole goal of this is to get some more readers, mainly because I have nothing else to do, lol. But seriously, I'd like to get people to like what I write and to comment on some of the things I'm interested in too. 

So, I'm thinking that because I usually blog at home, listening to music as I type, I'll probably be putting the song that I'm listening to first and commenting on it. THen I am thinking about putting what music I've bought on iTunes lately and critiquing that, and if I haven't bought anything in a while, put in something that I've heard on the radio lately or what I've been listening to a lot. Sound okay?

So, right now I am listening to "Right in Front of You" by Celine Dion. Yes, I do like Celine Dion, but this song wouldn't really be on my iPod or anywhere else if it wasn't for ECHO and my cousin's experience at ECHO (go to their website to find out more about ECHO). "Right in Front of You" was her theme song for her first weekend, and when she told me this, the song took on a faith aspect, and the song's more like a prayer than anything for me. She's actually on a weekend right now, and I pray that she will be a model of faith for all the other girls there.

Recently, I've been downloading a bunch of new stuff to listen to. The last four songs I downloaded were "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons, "Never Had a Dream Come True" by S Club 7 (I know the GALL I have...), "Born This Way" from GaaaaaGaaaaa herself, and "Stereo Love" by Edward Mya and Vika Jigulina

"Little Lion Man" is a good "let's go drink and sing along at our loudest volumes but still be civilized doing it" kind of song. It's a two for one deal in that you can have it loud and jump around to it, OR you can put it on a low volume and have it as background music as you do work or surf the net. Plus they're CUTE Irish men who can sing and play instruments...that's kind of an amazing combination and always gets me (Sorry, hunny!)

"Never Had a Dream Come True" was a combination of things: The fact that I had 49 cents left on my account that I wanted to spend, and S Club 7, sadly to admit was royalty to a 12-aged Aimee. I adored them (Jon was my favorite). Every Saturday I would watch Fox Family (before ABC took it over and screwed it all up) to see what all seven members would do that week (and I think secretly, I was seeing who would be good together, when in reality they all probably hated Jo cause she would get all the solos and they'd hate each other cause they were actors for kids in the States). Now as I listen, I am reminded of 00's pop that should stay in that decade and be reminisced only when I'm with Nikki or Erin. That's it.

"Born This Way" : Okay, so for those who are sensitive to the issue of homosexuality hear this now: I did not download this song because it's a song about gay rights. I downloaded the song cause it's an awesome song... saying that God makes no mistakes and that He made me perfect the way I am? I'll take it. Lady Gaga only mentions gays once in the song, and the rest of the time it's about being okay with who you are as a person. Although I have to say that video is SCA-REWED UP!!! Don't watch it, I was kinda traumatized.


Okay, so the last song is "Stereo Love" and it reminded me of a French accordian to dance music and it was too interesting to pass up and you know what? It's the first dance song that I've downloaded in a while. It makes me want to find a dance place somewhere, turn off all the lights and rave it up. Yeah.

Soooo any music I should download/check out? Now that you can, comment please. :-)

Life Sometimes Inhales Vigorously

Hey everyone! Happy Sunday! Sorry for the rushed greeting, but I'm just coming off of vacation, and I realized some things that I had been kind of too busy to just stop and feel.

So I went to see Cassie on her birthday. It was wicked fun, and I got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. While there was a lull in the celebration, I got to talking with Andrew, one of the only friends I have that was an elementary ed major and who came from a similar background (only child, raised completely Catholic, lol). He was telling me about his life and how he doesn't see much of the people at Saint Joe's because he's wicked busy and it costs a lot to drive up to see everyone. Andy said something that summed up what I was feeling like and what actually happens after college that no one thinks will happen.

Now, when I say this, I am making a generalization; I know that others have different experiences. At this point, I am speaking about what happened to me; how I coped with post college life. I feel though, that this is what happens to a lot of people, so I would like to share this as advice, and maybe if it happened to you, you could share it as well . . . you ready for this?

After college (especially in this economy), you isolate yourself until you have two feet planted in a career or feel like you are in a good place financially. Seriously, it's true. The minute I graduated, I felt like I had to figure out my life before I saw my friends again. I became anti-social; not calling anyone, not seeing anyone (except for a few), but keeping to myself and trying to figure out where I was going in life and what was in store for me.

I think I'm still in this "stage" as I see it, but at the same time I find myself opening up a bit.

This brings me to the second thing I realized this week. Now, to understand this realization, you all need to know that my biggest fear since I was young is that my parents would pass away. Now, I know that will happen some day, and my mind knows that it won't happen soon; that said, my heart feels like it could happen tomorrow, and I will not be ready.

My second realization (and this will sound reeeeaaally awful, especially to my mother) is that I am 23 years old, I have to take care of my father. My dad is getting older, as we all do/will, and he's slowing down especially in these cold New Hampshire winters. On top of that, his cerebral palsy effected how his legs grew, and with old age, it's getting a lot harder for him to move around. My father is a stubborn, proud man, and yes there are things that can help him, but it's tough when he knows that those things that can help him will also brand him as an elderly man who is pitied by strangers who see him and don't know that he has CP and has not had a stroke of some kind (I've gotten that little question a lot lately).

I don't mean this as bad or unwanted; I want to be there for my dad and mom as they get older. I feel that they raised me and cared for me, and I need to return the favor and care for them as well. It's not that I don't want to care for my parents, it's just I thought that I would do so when I was a bit older and had a family of my own. In my head, that's when I'll be ready; when I have a husband and kids.

I find myself wondering if he'll be okay during the day when Mum and I leave for Cornish.

Inside, I know that God will not and has not given me anything that I can't handle, but I am really wondering if I'm ready to do this. What will happen when I move out? Is my mom going to be okay being by herself helping him? What if something happens to her and my dad can't help her and can't get to the phone? How long will it take me to get to them if either of them are in trouble? These aren't questions that I thought I would be asking myself at this point in my life.

Then I think about when they both are gone and I have this house; how to I get rid of my parents' things? How can I do what I saw them do with my grandparents? Sell the house, give away those memories I have of their belongings? It seems so wrong . . . I know I'm not that strong and yet I feel like that part is looming somewhere in the near future.

I honestly think this wouldn't be an issue that I would be thinking about if I had a brother or sister. Both my parents had siblings to help with all of this, but I think that's what I'm most afraid of: I don't have brothers or sisters to help me. I will be the sole person who will have responsibility of their care, who'll have to figure out what to do after they're gone . . . it's really scary.

So where does that leave me?

Untitled {for now}

Hey everyone! Happy New Year! I know I'm late with the new year thing, but hey, it's still January so I'm still safe.

I was thinking about what I would do to for resolutions this year. Since it IS a new year and all, I was going to be SO into making resolutions, but honestly, I don't think anyone I know has made one publicly yet.
Everyone chooses losing weight as a resolution, and that's definitely is on the list for me. Before I just wanted to get healthy, and I still do, but before, I didn't care if I didn't lose any weight because I was still me, and I had things to distract me (such as college, friends, etc.). But now, I want to LOOK better in clothes, and feel better about myself. I didn't realize how low my self esteem really was. Yes. I am happy with who I am, but everyone feels low about themselves more than they admit.
I also want to try and be more honest with people about how I'm feeling. 2010 was a pretty emotional roller coaster ride, and I tried to keep myself in check emotionally, but it didn't really work and it ended up with me spilling over and overreacting to a lot of things.

I think that's pretty much all I want to do right now to help my life get a bit better. Sure, there are things that I could fix about myself, but I have to start somewhere, and I know that I wont get anything done unless I do one thing at a time. If I do more than that, I'll blow up, panic, or both, and get overwhelmed (honesty, right?)

So, let's have an update, shall we? Things aren't busy as much as time consuming. For example, the only real busy day I have nowadays is Monday (Get up BEFORE the crack of dawn, get to school, come back to the gym to work out for like 20 mins, get dinner, choir, sleep). I'm not doing a lot the other days, but when I get home, there's so much for me to do, like, laundry, showering, dinner, trying to get onto the computer to check email and Facebook so I can at least keep up with what's going on...then it's time for bed to start all over again.

School's okay; not great. I love the teacher I'm working with, but sometimes I just wish there was more that I was doing in the classroom. I did more while I was an intern than I do now. What I am taking with me is the fact that I am definitely NOT a middle school teacher; the students I have are pretty disrespectful, and I don't think I could handle that year after year. I have good days and bad days, but it's pretty much day to day at this point.

So this thing about me being honest? I have some things I need to say just to get them out in the open so they're not so bottled up anymore(Jake, stop reading cause I know you've heard this a million times...I know, if I've told you then they're not bottled up, but I am my mother's daughter and I need to get it out to someone else too).

I really wish I had Jake with me a bit more than what I have right now just because when I see him and I'm with him, I can breathe a lot easier and I'm not as stressed when he's around. That might be due to the fact that I see him during vacations, but I honestly don't think so. When I was looking for a job down in Indiana, my reactions were more dramatic when I was back in New Hampshire than when I was with him in Indiana. Maybe it's just me missing him just after he came up for my birthday (we have a great time, btw), but it's getting a lot harder for me to say goodbye to him. Actually leaving the airport is getting harder. I literally want to just run to the ticket counter and buy a ticket to get on the plane with him. It's so completely crazy, right? I mean, it totally and completely makes sense to me. Does that make me sick in the head; to want that?

Anyway, I think that's all for now. Thanks the 4.2 people who read this.