Hey everyone! Happy Sunday! Sorry for the rushed greeting, but I'm just coming off of vacation, and I realized some things that I had been kind of too busy to just stop and feel.
So I went to see Cassie on her birthday. It was wicked fun, and I got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. While there was a lull in the celebration, I got to talking with Andrew, one of the only friends I have that was an elementary ed major and who came from a similar background (only child, raised completely Catholic, lol). He was telling me about his life and how he doesn't see much of the people at Saint Joe's because he's wicked busy and it costs a lot to drive up to see everyone. Andy said something that summed up what I was feeling like and what actually happens after college that no one thinks will happen.
Now, when I say this, I am making a generalization; I know that others have different experiences. At this point, I am speaking about what happened to me; how I coped with post college life. I feel though, that this is what happens to a lot of people, so I would like to share this as advice, and maybe if it happened to you, you could share it as well . . . you ready for this?
After college (especially in this economy), you isolate yourself until you have two feet planted in a career or feel like you are in a good place financially. Seriously, it's true. The minute I graduated, I felt like I had to figure out my life before I saw my friends again. I became anti-social; not calling anyone, not seeing anyone (except for a few), but keeping to myself and trying to figure out where I was going in life and what was in store for me.
I think I'm still in this "stage" as I see it, but at the same time I find myself opening up a bit.
This brings me to the second thing I realized this week. Now, to understand this realization, you all need to know that my biggest fear since I was young is that my parents would pass away. Now, I know that will happen some day, and my mind knows that it won't happen soon; that said, my heart feels like it could happen tomorrow, and I will not be ready.
My second realization (and this will sound reeeeaaally awful, especially to my mother) is that I am 23 years old, I have to take care of my father. My dad is getting older, as we all do/will, and he's slowing down especially in these cold New Hampshire winters. On top of that, his cerebral palsy effected how his legs grew, and with old age, it's getting a lot harder for him to move around. My father is a stubborn, proud man, and yes there are things that can help him, but it's tough when he knows that those things that can help him will also brand him as an elderly man who is pitied by strangers who see him and don't know that he has CP and has not had a stroke of some kind (I've gotten that little question a lot lately).
I don't mean this as bad or unwanted; I want to be there for my dad and mom as they get older. I feel that they raised me and cared for me, and I need to return the favor and care for them as well. It's not that I don't want to care for my parents, it's just I thought that I would do so when I was a bit older and had a family of my own. In my head, that's when I'll be ready; when I have a husband and kids.
I find myself wondering if he'll be okay during the day when Mum and I leave for Cornish.
Inside, I know that God will not and has not given me anything that I can't handle, but I am really wondering if I'm ready to do this. What will happen when I move out? Is my mom going to be okay being by herself helping him? What if something happens to her and my dad can't help her and can't get to the phone? How long will it take me to get to them if either of them are in trouble? These aren't questions that I thought I would be asking myself at this point in my life.
Then I think about when they both are gone and I have this house; how to I get rid of my parents' things? How can I do what I saw them do with my grandparents? Sell the house, give away those memories I have of their belongings? It seems so wrong . . . I know I'm not that strong and yet I feel like that part is looming somewhere in the near future.
I honestly think this wouldn't be an issue that I would be thinking about if I had a brother or sister. Both my parents had siblings to help with all of this, but I think that's what I'm most afraid of: I don't have brothers or sisters to help me. I will be the sole person who will have responsibility of their care, who'll have to figure out what to do after they're gone . . . it's really scary.
So where does that leave me?
