So I'm getting ready to go back to Indiana on the Fourth of July (Don't worry, I'm watching the Boston fireworks on TV so I wont miss fireworks on the east coast!!), and this time I'm going down for a different reason. Apparently people are taking the fact that I mentioned on facebook that I was officially going to Indiana on the Fourth as I was completely totally and utterly moving there for the rest of my life. This is NOT happening...at least not yet. I'll tell you about that later, but first, a little history.
When I got back to New Hampshire, things weren't so great in the house; nothing my parents were doing, but there were/still are issues with my grandmother's house selling and figuring out how to move her furniture, who was taking what, where the things that no one wanted were going, drama that didn't need to be there, stuff that people usually have to deal with after someone dies. Things were really tense, and I felt like I didn't get a lot of information; none of my family got a lot of information at the time.
With the tension of that, I would get home and be surrounded by the fact that we live in close quarters and there's not a lot of places where I can get away for a while. On top of that, I was/am getting really annoyed with myself, and getting scared; things like that. Then on top of that, I was missing Jake, wasn't getting anywhere with Indiana, getting impatient, no money...it was/is all piling up.
The reason I'm going down to Indiana is that I need a break; a complete total and utter break from everyone. This isn't because everyone's annoying me and I just want to avoid them.
Some things happened that I knew could happen, but thinking that if I dwelt on them that they wouldn't happen, or at least God wouldn't let them happen...but they did happen. What things? Didn't get any jobs and they denied my certification (JUST because they require a DIFFERENT PRAXIS II test...the only reason).
When I found out that they denied my certification, honestly, I wanted to get SOOOO drunk, but I knew that was a bad thing to do, and I had a huge panic attack. I hid it from everyone because I was ashamed and felt I wasn't good enough. I REALLY felt I wasn't good enough. So what did I do? After I cried for a while, I took a Xanax, and was pretty much gone when Jake called.
Jake basically called me out. He was like, "I'm only going to give you a pity party for about 15 minutes" and got me basically calmed down and told me that he'd be willing to fly me out there on July 4th. Later on when I knew I was going, he told me that the reason he wanted me out there was because he knew that I needed a mental health break from everything going on.
This is why I'm going to Indiana. It doesn't mean I'm staying in New Hampshire or anything, but it does mean that staying is becoming a huge possibility. My life is in flux right now and I don't know where to go or what I'm doing. It's up in the air.
I am asking for some time, though; some time to be on my own with Jake and his family and some time alone too so I can get my life back together. It's just what I need now, and I promise that I'll be on facebook through the next weeks, but I really need to be alone and be with God for a while.
Thanks everyone for listening and I promise this isn't forever!
