Hey everyone! Hope everything's good with you.
Right now I'm just settling into my new life. It's wicked busy, actually. What's keeping me busy? I've got two jobs (yes, TWO jobs, which I thank God for constantly) that keeps me working about 6-7 hours six days a week, and then I'm teaching religious education (1st grade)on Sundays, so really, I'm working seven days a week.
So yeah, I am busy. I think being busy is a good thing for me, though. It keeps me focused on things that matter. When I have nothing to do, I literally just sit in front of the TV or the computer (thank you, twenty first century), which is a) not productive and b) unhealthy.
It's hard to have time for anything else but work and rest (meaning sleep and down time). I'm hoping things will get better, and a lot easier to handle, but I think I'm doing okay so far; as long as I don't add anything else to my already stuffed schedule, I think I'll be good.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Did I just grow up????
*Sighs* Okay. So quite a bit just happened in a matter of less than a week; so much that I'm still trying to process. Let's start from my last entry shall we?
So I went out to Indiana for that break that I needed, and boy did I need that month-long break. Honestly, it was one of the best and (partly) worst trips I've had.
It was the best because I was with Jake most nights and I learned a lot about his daily routine. I would be home when Jake got home, and I could cook for him and his family (proving to myself and the people around me that I was an amazing cook). I got to hang out with one of his best friends, Joe, and I could give his brother some great college advice (I still miss college, trust me). Jake and I spent some good, quality time with each other, and it gave us (or just me, I don't know about him) some insight on how life would be like if we lived with each other. It felt great.
It was the worst because when Jake and Joe were at work (his brother just did his own thing during the day), I was left alone to face why I left New Hampshire in the first place. At first, being alone was fine, but after I got bored, there was nothing else to do but to face the emotional issues I was going through.
The truth is, I don't like transition periods in my life; middle school was Hell (literally), the first two years of college was crazy (getting used to college/grandmother getting sick and passing), and after I graduated, I didn't know what to do with myself. I literally just sat around trying to get my head around the fact that I couldn't formally go back to school anymore.
Have you ever thought of that? All of us college graduates have been in school since kindergarten, which means AT LEAST 17 out of 22 years of our lives. When it comes down to it, that's about 153 months (assuming you spent 9 months a year), six hours a day in a school, learning to read, write, add, and subtract. Imagine (well, you don't have to imagine if you went through it) that you didn't have grades anymore, and if you didn't do a great job or work your butt off for one simple thing, you can't take that back. That's a really heavy weight to carry. If I screw up this job (come on, you came to this blog from Facebook. You know I have a job now.) there's no redo; I get a warning and then I get let go if I don't do a good job. That's a HUGE responsibility.
I hate change; no, more than that. I loathe, detest, and every other synonym that means "hate" change. It absolutely stinks. This summer I really had to deal with that; and deal with rejection. BIG rejection.
So all of this is going on in my head as I'm sleeping, getting bored watching TV, not wanting to leave the central air; AND I'm PMSing on top of that. What did I do?
I cried like a baby; almost every time I was alone.
Fast forward a bit: Let's just say a bit of retail therapy funded my most amazing, wonderful boyfriend, and some church did me good. I got over it. A little.
Something that I took away from the trip was that I wasn't trusting in God, or I wasn't trusting enough; I would pray for a job or a way to pay my bills, but I wouldn't believe that He would deliver that job or way to pay bills when I needed it. When I got back (and I swear, this is all true), I did the same thing until I relaxed a little bit (knowing that I could substitute at Merrimack Valley). All the while, I tried SO hard to trust in God. Once I relaxed, that trusting worked. I started to feel better, knowing that I was somewhat covered (although I knew that substituting wouldn't be enough). Then, the day my mother went up to her "start of the year" workshop, something I hadn't expected happened.
There was a paraprofessional position that opened up unexpectedly; and that she mentioned me to her principal. At first I was thinking that it's kind of weird that my MOTHER got me a job at her school, but her/our principal looked at my portfolio and was really impressed with it. I mean, REALLY impressed. She gave me a choice of two jobs, and I took what I thought would be a good fit for me to start out.
Now those of you who are not familiar with teacher confidentiality, it's basically common sense; you wouldn't want everyone to know that your child has a behavior problem and throws chairs at teachers, right? It's no one's business but the people involved in your child's learning and you. That's the same for what I do. I can't tell you much, but I can tell you that I will be doing LOTS of lesson planning/teaching, and for that I'm wicked excited.
Now for the REALLY unexpected news. The day after I knew I had the job in Cornish, I applied for a weekend position at Imagination Village in Concord. I interviewed, and she absolutely loved me!!! I start training this weekend. I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and I'm giving God many thanks for both of the jobs. Even though I'm celebrating on the inside, SO many people are unemployed, and a bunch of those are teachers, and I actually feel guilty for celebrating too much. I do want to say that God got me through all of it, and even if you don't believe me, at least I can admit that to myself. There's no way I could have done this alone.
So wait a minute; did I just grow up? What if I don't want to? What if I just pretend that I grew up? Yeah. That sounds better.
So I went out to Indiana for that break that I needed, and boy did I need that month-long break. Honestly, it was one of the best and (partly) worst trips I've had.
It was the best because I was with Jake most nights and I learned a lot about his daily routine. I would be home when Jake got home, and I could cook for him and his family (proving to myself and the people around me that I was an amazing cook). I got to hang out with one of his best friends, Joe, and I could give his brother some great college advice (I still miss college, trust me). Jake and I spent some good, quality time with each other, and it gave us (or just me, I don't know about him) some insight on how life would be like if we lived with each other. It felt great.
It was the worst because when Jake and Joe were at work (his brother just did his own thing during the day), I was left alone to face why I left New Hampshire in the first place. At first, being alone was fine, but after I got bored, there was nothing else to do but to face the emotional issues I was going through.
The truth is, I don't like transition periods in my life; middle school was Hell (literally), the first two years of college was crazy (getting used to college/grandmother getting sick and passing), and after I graduated, I didn't know what to do with myself. I literally just sat around trying to get my head around the fact that I couldn't formally go back to school anymore.
Have you ever thought of that? All of us college graduates have been in school since kindergarten, which means AT LEAST 17 out of 22 years of our lives. When it comes down to it, that's about 153 months (assuming you spent 9 months a year), six hours a day in a school, learning to read, write, add, and subtract. Imagine (well, you don't have to imagine if you went through it) that you didn't have grades anymore, and if you didn't do a great job or work your butt off for one simple thing, you can't take that back. That's a really heavy weight to carry. If I screw up this job (come on, you came to this blog from Facebook. You know I have a job now.) there's no redo; I get a warning and then I get let go if I don't do a good job. That's a HUGE responsibility.
I hate change; no, more than that. I loathe, detest, and every other synonym that means "hate" change. It absolutely stinks. This summer I really had to deal with that; and deal with rejection. BIG rejection.
So all of this is going on in my head as I'm sleeping, getting bored watching TV, not wanting to leave the central air; AND I'm PMSing on top of that. What did I do?
I cried like a baby; almost every time I was alone.
Fast forward a bit: Let's just say a bit of retail therapy funded my most amazing, wonderful boyfriend, and some church did me good. I got over it. A little.
Something that I took away from the trip was that I wasn't trusting in God, or I wasn't trusting enough; I would pray for a job or a way to pay my bills, but I wouldn't believe that He would deliver that job or way to pay bills when I needed it. When I got back (and I swear, this is all true), I did the same thing until I relaxed a little bit (knowing that I could substitute at Merrimack Valley). All the while, I tried SO hard to trust in God. Once I relaxed, that trusting worked. I started to feel better, knowing that I was somewhat covered (although I knew that substituting wouldn't be enough). Then, the day my mother went up to her "start of the year" workshop, something I hadn't expected happened.
There was a paraprofessional position that opened up unexpectedly; and that she mentioned me to her principal. At first I was thinking that it's kind of weird that my MOTHER got me a job at her school, but her/our principal looked at my portfolio and was really impressed with it. I mean, REALLY impressed. She gave me a choice of two jobs, and I took what I thought would be a good fit for me to start out.
Now those of you who are not familiar with teacher confidentiality, it's basically common sense; you wouldn't want everyone to know that your child has a behavior problem and throws chairs at teachers, right? It's no one's business but the people involved in your child's learning and you. That's the same for what I do. I can't tell you much, but I can tell you that I will be doing LOTS of lesson planning/teaching, and for that I'm wicked excited.
Now for the REALLY unexpected news. The day after I knew I had the job in Cornish, I applied for a weekend position at Imagination Village in Concord. I interviewed, and she absolutely loved me!!! I start training this weekend. I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and I'm giving God many thanks for both of the jobs. Even though I'm celebrating on the inside, SO many people are unemployed, and a bunch of those are teachers, and I actually feel guilty for celebrating too much. I do want to say that God got me through all of it, and even if you don't believe me, at least I can admit that to myself. There's no way I could have done this alone.
So wait a minute; did I just grow up? What if I don't want to? What if I just pretend that I grew up? Yeah. That sounds better.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
What's Going On?
So I'm getting ready to go back to Indiana on the Fourth of July (Don't worry, I'm watching the Boston fireworks on TV so I wont miss fireworks on the east coast!!), and this time I'm going down for a different reason. Apparently people are taking the fact that I mentioned on facebook that I was officially going to Indiana on the Fourth as I was completely totally and utterly moving there for the rest of my life. This is NOT happening...at least not yet. I'll tell you about that later, but first, a little history.
When I got back to New Hampshire, things weren't so great in the house; nothing my parents were doing, but there were/still are issues with my grandmother's house selling and figuring out how to move her furniture, who was taking what, where the things that no one wanted were going, drama that didn't need to be there, stuff that people usually have to deal with after someone dies. Things were really tense, and I felt like I didn't get a lot of information; none of my family got a lot of information at the time.
With the tension of that, I would get home and be surrounded by the fact that we live in close quarters and there's not a lot of places where I can get away for a while. On top of that, I was/am getting really annoyed with myself, and getting scared; things like that. Then on top of that, I was missing Jake, wasn't getting anywhere with Indiana, getting impatient, no money...it was/is all piling up.
The reason I'm going down to Indiana is that I need a break; a complete total and utter break from everyone. This isn't because everyone's annoying me and I just want to avoid them.
Some things happened that I knew could happen, but thinking that if I dwelt on them that they wouldn't happen, or at least God wouldn't let them happen...but they did happen. What things? Didn't get any jobs and they denied my certification (JUST because they require a DIFFERENT PRAXIS II test...the only reason).
When I found out that they denied my certification, honestly, I wanted to get SOOOO drunk, but I knew that was a bad thing to do, and I had a huge panic attack. I hid it from everyone because I was ashamed and felt I wasn't good enough. I REALLY felt I wasn't good enough. So what did I do? After I cried for a while, I took a Xanax, and was pretty much gone when Jake called.
Jake basically called me out. He was like, "I'm only going to give you a pity party for about 15 minutes" and got me basically calmed down and told me that he'd be willing to fly me out there on July 4th. Later on when I knew I was going, he told me that the reason he wanted me out there was because he knew that I needed a mental health break from everything going on.
This is why I'm going to Indiana. It doesn't mean I'm staying in New Hampshire or anything, but it does mean that staying is becoming a huge possibility. My life is in flux right now and I don't know where to go or what I'm doing. It's up in the air.
I am asking for some time, though; some time to be on my own with Jake and his family and some time alone too so I can get my life back together. It's just what I need now, and I promise that I'll be on facebook through the next weeks, but I really need to be alone and be with God for a while.
Thanks everyone for listening and I promise this isn't forever!
When I got back to New Hampshire, things weren't so great in the house; nothing my parents were doing, but there were/still are issues with my grandmother's house selling and figuring out how to move her furniture, who was taking what, where the things that no one wanted were going, drama that didn't need to be there, stuff that people usually have to deal with after someone dies. Things were really tense, and I felt like I didn't get a lot of information; none of my family got a lot of information at the time.
With the tension of that, I would get home and be surrounded by the fact that we live in close quarters and there's not a lot of places where I can get away for a while. On top of that, I was/am getting really annoyed with myself, and getting scared; things like that. Then on top of that, I was missing Jake, wasn't getting anywhere with Indiana, getting impatient, no money...it was/is all piling up.
The reason I'm going down to Indiana is that I need a break; a complete total and utter break from everyone. This isn't because everyone's annoying me and I just want to avoid them.
Some things happened that I knew could happen, but thinking that if I dwelt on them that they wouldn't happen, or at least God wouldn't let them happen...but they did happen. What things? Didn't get any jobs and they denied my certification (JUST because they require a DIFFERENT PRAXIS II test...the only reason).
When I found out that they denied my certification, honestly, I wanted to get SOOOO drunk, but I knew that was a bad thing to do, and I had a huge panic attack. I hid it from everyone because I was ashamed and felt I wasn't good enough. I REALLY felt I wasn't good enough. So what did I do? After I cried for a while, I took a Xanax, and was pretty much gone when Jake called.
Jake basically called me out. He was like, "I'm only going to give you a pity party for about 15 minutes" and got me basically calmed down and told me that he'd be willing to fly me out there on July 4th. Later on when I knew I was going, he told me that the reason he wanted me out there was because he knew that I needed a mental health break from everything going on.
This is why I'm going to Indiana. It doesn't mean I'm staying in New Hampshire or anything, but it does mean that staying is becoming a huge possibility. My life is in flux right now and I don't know where to go or what I'm doing. It's up in the air.
I am asking for some time, though; some time to be on my own with Jake and his family and some time alone too so I can get my life back together. It's just what I need now, and I promise that I'll be on facebook through the next weeks, but I really need to be alone and be with God for a while.
Thanks everyone for listening and I promise this isn't forever!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Okay, here we go...
All right, so I was going to do a blog entry before this point, like when I graduated from college, but I wanted to wait until I got a job. Well, that hasn't happened yet, but I've done all I can do to get a job in Indiana, and this is my last day (for now) before I go back to New Hampshire.
Throughout the whole trip, I've been applying, copying, and preparing for interviews and getting nowhere. Even though there are more jobs I could apply for down here, it's still pretty limited. I also applied for certification in Indiana, so hopefully I'll get certified pretty quickly.
Even though I didn't get any interviews, I'm not too worried because I felt like I didn't have enough time to apply and do everything I needed to do before I went on those interviews. There were a lot of obstacles I had to tackle before I could mail/hand in applications to different schools (By the way, I owe Caleb and Joe SO much for driving me around for the last two weeks! Thank you both sooo much!).
So let's say I don't come out to Indiana, what will I do? Right now the plan is to go back to New Hampshire and substitute like crazy until I get enough money to get certified; get my foot in the door and network like crazy.
As far as Jake and I? We're at a really good place right now. He's bearing with me through all of this; being there on the hard days (yesterday) and the great days. He's really been there for me these two weeks. This has actually been the longest amount of time we've spent together and yes, we survived (astonishing, right? haha)!
If you've heard my story of how I chose St. Joe's as a college, you know that God was definitely involved. For those of you who don't, basically all my life I was going to go to Keene State College, but when I stepped onto the campus at St. Joe's, God basically told me that I was supposed to be there, and it was the best decision I've made to date.
Why this story? I had a similar experience this time, only the feeling was different. Sure, I've been to Indiana plenty of times, and I've stayed at Jake's house, but the mood wasn't one of a vacation/visit, it was more of a trial run of how life would be like here all the time (especially since Jake didn't take much time off...he's taking a half day today so we can go to the museum of art...the only vacation-y thing we're doing). I really feel like God is calling me here, and the schools that I applied at seem like really great schools to work in; the people, the system; everything.
So all in all, this was a wicked productive and good trip. It just seemed so easy to jump into a routine here.
Throughout the whole trip, I've been applying, copying, and preparing for interviews and getting nowhere. Even though there are more jobs I could apply for down here, it's still pretty limited. I also applied for certification in Indiana, so hopefully I'll get certified pretty quickly.
Even though I didn't get any interviews, I'm not too worried because I felt like I didn't have enough time to apply and do everything I needed to do before I went on those interviews. There were a lot of obstacles I had to tackle before I could mail/hand in applications to different schools (By the way, I owe Caleb and Joe SO much for driving me around for the last two weeks! Thank you both sooo much!).
So let's say I don't come out to Indiana, what will I do? Right now the plan is to go back to New Hampshire and substitute like crazy until I get enough money to get certified; get my foot in the door and network like crazy.
As far as Jake and I? We're at a really good place right now. He's bearing with me through all of this; being there on the hard days (yesterday) and the great days. He's really been there for me these two weeks. This has actually been the longest amount of time we've spent together and yes, we survived (astonishing, right? haha)!
If you've heard my story of how I chose St. Joe's as a college, you know that God was definitely involved. For those of you who don't, basically all my life I was going to go to Keene State College, but when I stepped onto the campus at St. Joe's, God basically told me that I was supposed to be there, and it was the best decision I've made to date.
Why this story? I had a similar experience this time, only the feeling was different. Sure, I've been to Indiana plenty of times, and I've stayed at Jake's house, but the mood wasn't one of a vacation/visit, it was more of a trial run of how life would be like here all the time (especially since Jake didn't take much time off...he's taking a half day today so we can go to the museum of art...the only vacation-y thing we're doing). I really feel like God is calling me here, and the schools that I applied at seem like really great schools to work in; the people, the system; everything.
So all in all, this was a wicked productive and good trip. It just seemed so easy to jump into a routine here.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Senioritis Stress/End of My College Career
I'm a bit stressed out obviously (currently procrastinating, AGAIN, my English research paper, but I have an outline and my research is all done so all I have to do is write it now...), and I don't want to do anything right now.
So much is happening all at once, and I feel that I don't know how to stop it. Everything is due in a matter of a week and a day, and on top of that, I'm GRADUATING in a month. Isn't that nuts?
After I graduate, the question is what will I do when I get out into the real world? Where will I go? I mean, I'm literally almost done, and I don't have a job lined up, I don't know what I'm going to do for the summer, and I'm feeling real insecure about my future.
I just want to be free of all the stresses in my life...all of the worries, the insecurities, the moments where there is absolutely no hope anymore. There are nights where I don't get much sleep because of the constant worrying I do, and I really feel that it's becoming a huge problem, but I can't go and talk to somebody about it (professionally that is) because there's no time!
For some reason, I don't want tomorrow to come...not in a suicidal way, but in a way that I don't want to face reality. I don't want to do ANYTHING for a very long time.
Yes, this is a "woe is me" blog, but I don't want it to feel this way, I really don't...I don't like procrastinating and not getting things done and stressing out, and yet, I repeatedly do it nonstop!
What am I going to do?
So much is happening all at once, and I feel that I don't know how to stop it. Everything is due in a matter of a week and a day, and on top of that, I'm GRADUATING in a month. Isn't that nuts?
After I graduate, the question is what will I do when I get out into the real world? Where will I go? I mean, I'm literally almost done, and I don't have a job lined up, I don't know what I'm going to do for the summer, and I'm feeling real insecure about my future.
I just want to be free of all the stresses in my life...all of the worries, the insecurities, the moments where there is absolutely no hope anymore. There are nights where I don't get much sleep because of the constant worrying I do, and I really feel that it's becoming a huge problem, but I can't go and talk to somebody about it (professionally that is) because there's no time!
For some reason, I don't want tomorrow to come...not in a suicidal way, but in a way that I don't want to face reality. I don't want to do ANYTHING for a very long time.
Yes, this is a "woe is me" blog, but I don't want it to feel this way, I really don't...I don't like procrastinating and not getting things done and stressing out, and yet, I repeatedly do it nonstop!
What am I going to do?
Friday, April 9, 2010
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